People Watching

I failed again. 

I have reached nowhere, I'm still for some reason, stuck in this loop that I have gotten habitual to. It now feels normal to not feel proud of me, give or lose hope in me, be left out, fail, and waste half the day waiting for a response. 

My brain doesn't really want a satisfying day, it really has forgotten how it feels, I genuinely don't want this to last. 

I promised myself that stuff is in my hand and it's on me to get it on track, I can make decisions for myself but I never really did that. I hid behind discomfort and uneasy feelings, I opened my phone every 20 minutes and I imagined a future I wanted but I didn't go that extra mile.

I didn't cause I felt the resistance 

I didn't cause I felt I'll figure it out later 

I didn't figure it out 

I rather took on me this new personality, an all-sweet girl, who never raises her voice, never argues, just smiles, she is nice and is there for everyone, she considers herself to be amazing cause people think she is. She is just a fucking fake sweet girl. You wanna know what she really is?

She is an insecure person, who likes to get praised cause before this she never really got any. She is not this sweet but rather she is dumb and not smart enough to make her voice heard. She runs away from hardships, runs away from taking small steps, she is not ready to learn or spend her time doing that, she lies, she cries, she hates herself and her life.  

She is not a hard worker, not a pretty picture, she is not amazing like everyone else or doesn't have the dedication, she jumps from one thing to another, people or things. SHE IS JUST NOT THE BEST PERSON, SHE IS BROKEN AND SHE CAN FIX HERSELF BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. 

I genuinely hate this person, I despise her. She is fucking selfish and not worth it. I really want her to go. 

I want her, just for a second be honest to herself. Be real and answer where she genuinely went wrong. 

Might be her getting swayed easily or not putting in enough effort. 

But remember, this version of yourself is going to make you feel this way every single day for the rest of your life. People are going to leave you and you are never going to be happy. 

Do you really want that?